Your holiday music questions, answered

by | Dec 21, 2021 | Arts and Entertainment, Miscellaneous | 2 comments

Due to my status as the executive director of the (completely fictional) Holiday Music Hall of Fame, people routinely turn to me for answers to their burning questions about their favorite Christmas songs. Of course, I’m happy to oblige. Here’s a selection of some of the most frequent questions and the answers, some of which actually are accurate. Happy holidays!

In the Christmas classic “Christmas (Please Come Home),” the first song ever inducted into the Holiday Music Hall of Fame, the great Darlene Love begs for her baby to come home for the holiday. That was in 1963, and her baby still hasn’t come home. Why not?

He’s dead.

Why will I be home for Christmas, but only in my dreams?

See the answer above.

Is “I’ll Be Home for Christmas” the most depressing Christmas song ever?

No. That title goes to “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas,” which is not upbeat at all, despite a very valiant effort by Yolanda Adams. And the writers of “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas” actually rewrote the song to remove some lyrics that were even more depressing! But “I’ll Be Home for Christmas” does have the unique honor of being banned by the BBC for fear it would lower the morale of British troops in World War II.

How many Christmas albums has Pentatonix released?

Five to date.

Will Pentatonix ever stop making Christmas albums? I mean, even Mannheim Steamroller eventually tossed in the towel.

The band’s future album release plans include a Christmas album every year until 2050, with an album tentatively titled “Pentatonix Christmas: Omega Armageddon.”

In “Frosty the Snowman,” there is a reference to some “magic” in that “old silk hat they found.” I can only assume this is some sort of drug reference.

That’s correct. In a little-known holiday music fact, this is the same “magic” that prompts the line “What’s in this drink?” in “Baby, It’s Cold Outside.”

In “Winter Wonderland,” we are told that “Gone away is the bluebird, here to stay is the new bird.” What is “the new bird?”

It’s a dragon, from the little-seen “Game of Thrones Holiday Special.” The dragon’s arrival prompts an unexpectedly early departure for Frosty the Snowman.

Later in “Winter Wonderland,” there is the verse about how participants plan to “conspire / As we dream by the fire / To face unafraid / The plans that we’ve made.” Is this some sort of QAnon song?

Yes. In fact, this will be the lead single on QAnon Shaman Jake Angeli’s new collection of holiday tunes, “A Very Q Christmas.” Alas, that album has been delayed until 2025, due to recording difficulties — namely, the prison where he is incarcerated doesn’t have a recording studio.

In the rarely heard fourth verse of “Jingle Bells,” there is a reference to a horse moving at “two-forty as his speed.” Is this another drug reference?

No. It is a reference to how fast the horse is going. In this case, “two-forty” speed means the horse is covering a mile in about two minutes and 40 seconds, which is a good pace — it’s about 22.5 mph.

Wait. There are four verses to “Jingle Bells?”

Yes. And the other verses are chock-full of references to suspicious women, accidents and man’s inhumanity to man — they play rather like a snowbound film noir or a 19th-century version of “The Fast and the Furious.” In the second verse, the narrator makes reference to a certain “Miss Fanny Bright,” who is seated by his side. Just a few lines later, the sleigh — pulled by a horse for whom “misfortune seemed his lot” — is in a terrible wreck. Accident — or insurance fraud? In the third verse, the narrator slips on the snow and falls on his back. A person in a sleigh comes along — but then drives away without offering assistance, laughing all the way.

Zat You, Santa Claus?

Nope. Definitely not.

2 Comments

  1. Curtis Wright

    Great! Just great!

    Reply
  2. Jennifer Moody

    I always thought it was, “Two-forty for his fee.” Shows what I know about Christmas.

    Reply

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